It is a great sadness to the club that 2 of our finest ever players are not playing in the green at the moment. These players are Ben Johnson, now living in New Zealand and his brother, Tom, who I still see as the finest player this club has ever seen and we have had some great players. But a succession of horrendous injuries has seen him unable to even train in the last 2 seasons.

But there has been a little chink of light in that their mother, the mad midget, Donna Johnson has not been wandering around the club causing trouble while long sufferring husband Martin raises his eyes to the sky and wishes he could go back home with his imagined friend he calls Prince Albert. Yes there are many psychiatric issues in this family.

So yesterday there was true horror at the club when the family from Hell turned up en masse to watch the action. La Johnson spent her time threatening tournament directors, Steve Hughes and me. With her non stop babbling going on poor old Steve had a major problem hearing his walky talky. Joe Johnson, another one of her brood, is starting to earn rave reviews in his junior squad and he will be ready for senior rugby next season. But does this mean we have to suffer the mad midget on Saturdays? Poor old Martin is so stressed that he was seen playing with and talking to a Buzz Lightyear toy. Can anybody save him?

Some hours later Tom, himself, turned up and was immediately signed up by Marc Root to become a club coach. This reporter will never forget how as a 15 year old sprog he showed his terrific flair by launching a drop goal from 30 yards out to beat Westcombe Park in the Kent 7s semi final. It was a magic moment and extraordinarily brilliant. BUT what has happened to Tom? He turned up yesterday sporting a strange new hairstyle from the 1980s and a very gay shiny leather jacket with lots of buckles similar to that guy with the moustache and the hat in the Village People, coincidentally also from the 1980s. Then Tom's girlfriend turned up and amazingly she is a female version of Tom. The unfortunate lass is even a ginger! We suspect that when he examines the poor girl's tonsils it is like kissing himself.

So except for Martin, Joe and Ben (only because he is far away in New Zealand) the entire Johnson crew have to try to fit into the bin. 

Tom (who is 5'1" tall) on the set of Lord of The Rings where his mum (on the right) played the body double of one of the hobbits in love scenes that were later deleted.